Episode 18: The Likeability Trap, Being Your True Self, and How To Stop Caring About Being Liked with Alicia Menendez
Do you care about what other people think of you? Are you ever told you’re too aggressive, or not aggressive enough? Have you been called too bossy, bitchy, naive, or nice? PSA: Most women have experienced the Likeability Trap and Goldilocks Conundrum (be nice, but not too nice!). On this week’s episode, Josie sits down with Award Winning Journalist, MSNBC Anchor, and author of The Likeability Trap, Alicia Menendez, to discuss why women are wired to care about being liked, why the system we’re in is harmful for every gender, and how to get out of the trap once and for all. Alicia also discusses how to get to know your true self and show up as your true self in the workplace, social settings, and your relationships.
Read The Likeability Trap here.
SHOW NOTES:
This episode kicks right off with a definition of the likeability trap: what does the title of Alicia’s book actually refer to? Alicia talks through the three different kinds of likeability traps that are most common for women to experience in the workplace, explaining how she incorporates each of these into The Likeability Trap. Josie asks Alicia to elaborate on the qualities that we ask of women in society in general as opposed to the qualities that are demanded of them in the workplace. The two discuss the occasionally hidden costs of worrying about what other people think of you, and Alicia explains why these costs compound over time to make it more difficult for women and people of color to succeed in the workplace. They also dive into the ways in which an expansion of what is considered “likable” in the workplace can benefit everyone, including men. You’ll hear Alicia expand on the layers of race and class, including how those factors can impact the likeability trap and how we respond to it. Then, Josie and Alicia start to have a conversation about solutions, asking what we can do to prevent the likeability trap and make the workplace a more welcoming place for everyone. Alicia explains the importance of surrounding yourself with people who support you, and provides advice for how to handle feedback that is subjective and based on the false idea of likability. Josie and Alicia cover the dynamics of working in a team, how to recognize feedback that is genuine and not based on bias, and even what it means to receive feedback from the general public on social media. The episode closes with a conversation about the work we can do for each other to get rid of the harmful impacts of the likeability trap, from changes in language to encouraging the careers of other women.
Must-Listen Moments:
[2:52] What is the likeability trap?
[9:36] The social costs of constantly worrying about being liked
[19:08] How added layers of race and class can impact the likeability trap
[37:24] What does productive feedback versus biased feedback look like?
[52:11] How we can dismantle the likeability trap by helping each other out
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