Episode 78: Knowing Your Bedroom Love Language Is the Secret to Better Sex, With Leading Sexologist Jaiya
Jaiya is an award-winning sexologist and a featured expert on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Netflix show Sex, Love & Goop. She is the author of numerous books geared toward having more pleasurable and rewarding sex, including her newest release, Your Blueprint for Pleasure. In today's conversation, Jaiya shares why sexual incompatibility is a myth, what attraction and desire really is, and how to release emotion stored in the hips. Jaiya also walks us through the five different bedroom love languages called "erotic blueprints," and explains how knowing yours (and your partner's) is the secret to mind-blowing sex that most of us are missing. She also shares how she worked through an extreme rut in her long-term relationship to achieve a mind-blowing sex life. Consider this episode your map to amazing sex–you can thank us later.
SHOW NOTES:
This week’s Ask The Everygirl answers a listener's question about starting to date and seeking a long-term partner even though they feel like they are sexually inexperienced. Josie and Emma discuss the various stigmas that keep us from feeling sexually empowered, as well as the steps this person can take to reframe their mindset. They also share their own experiences with being honest with partners about their sexual pasts, and give the listener some insight based on those experiences. The interview with sexologist and author JAIYA begins with a question about sexual compatibility: How important is it really in a relationship, and is it a myth? JAIYA explains that sexual compatibility is really like two people trying to speak and understand different languages to one another—with enough effort and thought, it is possible to understand your partner’s “sexual love language.” She recommends looking at it as alchemy, a unique combination of each other’s sexual energies, rather than as chemistry. Josie asks if anyone is capable of finding sexual alchemy with their partner, especially if they’ve been feeling sexually mismatched. JAIYA explains some of the psychological responses that we have to our partners (and things that our partners do) that can influence whether or not we feel turned on by them. Josie and JAIYA then have a conversation about why we are so concerned with being considered sexually “normal” in our culture, and where that concern comes from for different people. JAIYA discusses how this obsession with being normal can actually inhibit us from having great sex and living in the moment. Then. the two dive into a conversation about the erotic blueprints, which is a system that JAIYA came up with for explaining sexual and sensual connection and motivation. JAIYA discusses what an erotic blueprint is, and then the five different types of erotic blueprints that people can fit into. She also tells the story of what inspired her to create the erotic blueprints, based on experiences that she had in her own marriage. Josie asks JAIYA to explain where our erotic blueprints come from: Are they hard-wired into our biology, or do we learn and develop these blueprints through our sexual encounters? JAIYA explains that our early childhood experiences, even the types of media that we consume in our younger lives, can create an impression on us that evolves into our erotic blueprint. Josie also enquires as to how listeners can become more empowered in their own sexualities, as well as the possible connection between pelvic pain and sexual shame. Then, the two have a conversation about how to implement the learnings from your erotic blueprint in real life. How do you communicate your potentially newly discovered needs to your partner? They also discuss common pitfalls when it comes to sexual pleasure. The conversation closes with some rapid-fire questions for JAIYA.
Must-Listen Moments:
[0:59] Ask The Everygirl: Do I have to tell people I’m dating that I’m sexually inexperienced? And how do I get over that shame?
[16:48] What is the difference between sexual chemistry and sexual alchemy, and what do we get wrong about the idea of sexual chemistry in our culture?
[24:16] JAIYA explains what an erotic blueprint is, and dives into the details of each of the five different types of erotic blueprints
[37:04] What are some steps we can take to embrace our authentic sexualities and feel sexually empowered?
[42:46] Everything you need to know about understanding your partner’s erotic blueprint and leaning into your sexual alchemy
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